It’s back to school season, so let’s discuss some classes you’d like to take either based on books or based on characters’ skills. I ENCOURAGE YOU TO NOT USE HARRY POTTER, because that is too easy. You are supposed to make up your own classes. For example, you could use How to Dismantle a Dystopian Regime for The Hunger Games or Archery 101 with Katniss.
I have completely failed at the last, idk, 8 Top Five Wednesdays? No, that wasn’t a question. It’s a fact. This one was so fun that I couldn’t pass it up! Apologies for the late post, United States of Books will resume next Friday!
Flying by the Seat of Your Pants 101
Professors: Will Herondale (The Infernal Devices), Katniss Everdean (The Hunger Games), Tris Pryor (Divergent), Harry Potter (Harry Potter.. oops)
Description: If you’ve ever watched someone more capable than you do something and said “I can do that, hold my beer,” this class is for you. If you’ve ever wanted to save the world without any real plan whatsoever, this class is for you. If trouble tends to seek you out… you get the idea.
Requirements: A desire to “save the day,” general confusion, an “I’ll just wing it” attitude, sass, No. 2 Pencils.
How to Get Away With Murder
Professors: Jill Charron (With Malice), Amy Dunne (Gone Girl), Lizzie Borden (See What I Have Done)
Description: Have you ever wanted to murder someone, but were afraid of the consequences? This class will teach you, essentially, how to get away with murder, from cleaning up crime scenes and having an alibi, to planting evidence. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done, it matters what people think you have done.
Prerequisites: 1001 Ways to Die, Bleach Uses, Seasons 1-8 of Criminal Minds
Professor: Mark Watney (The Martian)
Description: This class will teach you how to survive on a foreign planet for a ridiculous amount of time without dying or losing your sense of humor. #Hodon’tdoit
Requirements: A tolerance of disco music
Prerequisites: Astronaut Program @ NASA
How to Fail at Your Career and Alienate Your Friends and Family
Professors: Andy Sachs (The Devil Wears Prada)
Description: Do you have a job that “a million girls would die for?” Do you want to succeed in your career, but complain the entire way? This class will teach you how to be as ungrateful for your career path as possible, while nurturing your inability to multi-task. Please note that all assignments are mandatory, even if they are not on the syllabus or discussed in class. Not cooperating will result in your immediate termination from the university and the sabotage of your future career. That’s all.
Requirements: A predisposition toward complaining and general disinterest in the lives of those around you.
Occupations for the Undead
Professors: Matthew Clairmont (A Discovery of Witches), Edward Cullen (Twilight), Vampire Bill (Trueblood), Stefan Salvatore (The Vampire Diaries)
Description: Ever wondered what you should do with all your free time, now that you’re immortal? This class will set you on a blood-free career path to success. Topics covered: Bunnies for Dummies, Love Triangles 101, and The Ultimate Guide to Other Immortals.
Prerequisites: Your own death